Ray showed me that everything I do is like a gazelle that’s developed a taste for meat: brutally majestic.

[Image via Ray Hudson] (Fair Use)

Watching soccer or fútbol masterminds like Messi, Ronaldo, and Mbappé is already a delight. But listening to Ray Hudson’s commentaries on these visionary players? That’s a religious and spiritual experience. I don’t have the skills or body shape (#DadBodFC all day) to compete at the highest levels in sports, but I still want to feel what Mr. Hudson evokes. So I asked Ray to spend a day commenting on all of my everyday tasks. Below are the best snippets of what was a truly magisterial day!

He’s got options… and ah, AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH! He’s done it again! He once again emerges…

All I want is one beef patty, just one!

[Image Via 605 Magazine]

Dear Ms. Powell, Jamaican Restaurant Proprietor/Chef,

Your food is so flavourful, desirable, and well cooked. I need it so bad! Ms. Powell, you are no doubt a talented and incredible chef. Those who you serve must be truly deserving of your culinary gifts. And you are right — I am a lowly non-Caribbean plebeian, who does not deserve a taste of the island god’s feast! But I am famished, malnourished, and spice-deprived. I need your blessings and jerk to reinvigorate my sense of taste! …

Sit back and relax, because we’re going to share the spiciest stories about these nineteenth-century First Ladies.

[Image by Manki Kim via Unsplash]

You remember the Gilded Age, right? The period between 1877 and 1900 of rapid economic expansion and rampant political mishaps in the United States? Of course you don’t. None of us were alive! It was also the most uninteresting period of your dull AP US History class. Trains, labor unions, reconstruction: boring.

But here’s what they didn’t tell you in Mr. Ramirez’s third-period snorefest: the First Ladies of the Gilded Age were savages. Classy, boogie, ratchet, indeed. …

BROOKINGS (BJ) — With Coronavirus infection numbers getting higher than James Harden in a strip club, many teachers across the country have been rendered unavailable to teach. School districts around the country have been aggressively recruiting substitute or short-term teachers to keep schools running.

In a turn of fate, school districts in the Dakotas are looking to high school students to fill in the gaps for middle school classes.

“Who better to teach these 7th and 8th graders vital educational materials other than the students who have just been taught the same materials a couple years ago!” said Dr. …

BJ Jeranyama

BJ Jeranyama is a stand-up comedian, writer, performer, and future world dictator. You can follow him on Twitter: @BJeranyama

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store